1) Whan a man says”I aint never had no complaints”, it’s time to run in the opposite direction..
2) Early to rise and early in the sack, thank God I’m a country boy.
3) Fiddle- dee -dee
4) It’s really not that complicated…..
5) I need rescueing.
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I always thought I was a knowledgeable woman, but a young country lad taught me a valuable lesson.
I met him in a country bar, I was bored that night. He sidled up to me and after a few drinks he crowed, “Fiddle Dee Dee, it’s not that complicated. I ain’t never had no complaints ’cause early to rise comes from early in the sack. Thank God I’m a country boy.”
Well, he took me up on my challenge and showed me what he meant. By dawn the next morning I was exhausted…he was just gettin’ started.
I need rescuing…
The hulking mass looked at me with demonic red eyes, its fangs were yellow and its breath had the rankness of a sewer in July. I was pinned flat on my back,cornered by the rest of the hellish creatures and running out of time. In truth I had never anticipated that death was waiting for me in the foothills of Madison county.
How did I find myself as a potential luncheon? Its really not that complicated to explain…this was supposed to have been a relaxing break from my keyboard, not a one way trip to hades via this beast’s gullet. I had come to the back country to seek peace and solitute and truffles. It seemed a good idea to go walking in the hills of virginia and see if the common forest truffle was found in the new world…after all i used to spend summer days back in blighty with my faithfull hound (thats a Wolf Hound for all you americans who might be forming a mental picture of fred basset) digging up the taisty morsels… I wished old samwise was with me now, being only fractionaly smaller then my opponant he would have certainly given the hulking mass reason to pause before digesting.
To be honest I was resigned to my fate, having been stuck in this position for over eight hours i seriously doubted that my legs would be able to move even if the 2000lb monster sitting on them had the decency to stand up to give me a fighting chance.
The creatures open mouth was now inches away from my face, and from this most interesting of vantage points i noted that it was quite possible for my entire head to fit into that festering maw… with any luck it would be a swift and only moderately excruciating end.
Salvation, however, appeared before dining started in earnest:
” Well hey fiddle-dee-dee! whatcha doing down there boy?”
A native had aproached unseen from behind me…a regular good ole boy with a pair of mean ole hounds (US variety) and a small cannon over his shoulder pretending to be a shot gun.
” I say old chap, wonderful to see you…” I chearfully greated him in my best cordial mad englishman tone. “I dont suppose you could help me out, I appear to need rescuing”.
” Waht you doing to my hogs boy, ole Mableine aint been so well en all since she ate that bear last tuesday… you city folk aint got no call to be woorin my hogs…”
” I need rescuing…” I repeated “… I came to look for truffles and I was informed that this was park service land”
The native looked confused for a moment before continuing his reproof of my shamefull conduct.
” you means thems sweet smelling mushroom things that the hogs dig up? Man, thank gawd im a country boy, early to rise and early in the sack. Aint gots no time for no fungus…say you gots a few of those on you?”
Thirty seconds later my brain translated back country into english and i answered;
“why yes, i do declare that i have a few on me. why do you ask?”
“well, if ya gives em to Mabliene she may only eats the half of ya”
Ten minutes later we were walking towards his cabin of route 29 and what he promised to be a pig supper. Mabliene was trotting along behind us happily munching on the last of the fungus while “Kurt” was explaining the many joys of pig farmin the ole style…
“yes sir, aint never had no complaints about my hams…ole mabeine heres gonna be hams this time next monday..” he drawld on in his monotone. I cast a quick glance at ole mabliene, she looked happily up at me with her cute little snout and I could almost swear she smilled.
“when a man, especialy this man, says “i aint never had no complaints”, its time to run in the opposite direction.” I whispered to her while kurt paused to vapourise a possum with his trusty side-arm. She looked at me knowingly for a moment, cast Kurt a last glance, then bolted for her life.
months later I read in the local paper that the local bear population was strangely declining…
Once upon a time, there was a gentle farmer who lived at the edge of the dense forest. One day, as he was out chopping wood for his fireplace, he heard cries coming from inside the forest. Nobello, the farmer, had always been told to never go deep into the forest because it was there that the forest Witch lived. He had often wondered about this, as no one had ever actually seen her, so for all he knew it might have been all made up. None the less, he had never gone into the interior of the forest, because he was actually afraid that it might be true. Today however, he could not ignore the cries he was hearing, so he swallowed his fears, picked up his ax and set off to find the source of the cries
Nobello walked towards where the sounds were coming from and stopped just short of entering the dense section of the forest. He stood still to make sure the noise he was hearing was real, not just the wind breezing through the trees. As he stood there, he was convinced he heard “Help, please help me, I need rescueing.” He knew he was getting closer when he came upon a horse without a rider and the cries started getting louder. Nobello petted the horse and enticed it to follow him as he continued seeking the source of the distress. As they walked, he talked to the horse and said, “Fiddle-Dee-Dee, what should I call thy? He almost took off running when the horse answered “ It’s really not that complicated…., my name is Goldenstar.”
Nobello recovered quickly. “Hello Goldenstar, It’s a pleasure to meet you” he said. “Do you happen to know who’s calling for help?” he asked. “yes, that’s my mistress, Witch Nigara. She slipped and fell into a pit right beyond those trees” answered Goldenstar. “I was heading back home to get help when I heard you coming so I decided to wait” said the horse. “Tell me Goldenstar, is Witch Nigara dangerous?” “Only if you happen to get her mad” nickered the horse.
They finally came to the pit that held Nigara. “Nigara, my name is Nobello and I’m going to get you out of there. Are you hurt?” he asked. “I’m fine, please hurry, there are all kinds of bugs down here” she said. Nobello looked around and spotted some thick vines, chopped one down and tossed one end into the pit. He instructed Nigara to take a hold of it tightly and not to let go. Slowly, he pulled the woman up out of her prison.
Nobello was pleasantly surprised when he finally got a look at the witch. He guessed she was about 19, very slender, with dark brown hair that hung down to her knees. He couldn’t stop looking into her pale green eyes, it was almost as she was hypnotizing him, and maybe she was. “My you are a strong, aren’t you? She said. “I aint never had no complaints” he answered. She softly chuckled and said “When a man says “I aint never had no complaints”, it’s time to run in the opposite direction” she said, but Nobello did not respond.
“Why don’t you come home with me and I’ll introduce you to my parents?” asked Nigara. Nobello hesitated and Nigara seemed hurt. “You don’t trust me do you?” she asked. “I do have reservations as I’ve never met a Witch before, so I don’t know what to expect. I certainly didn’t expect one to be so beautiful” he accidentally said. He tried to make her feel better by adding “I would like to meet your parents, but I have chores that need to be done so I must get back” he said. Nigara just smiled at him sweetly and nodded her head. He then helped her up onto Goldenstars back and then he turned around and headed back to his farm. What he didn’t see was Nigara waving her arms and chanting a spell before she and Goldenstar turned around and headed for home.
Nobello was feeling happy when he got back onto his own property. He fed all the animals, repaired a fence and finished chopping the wood. Later, he fixed and ate dinner, but the whole time, he couldn’t stop thinking about Nigara. After dinner, he walked out onto the front porch of his house he found a lone cat sitting on a step cleaning its fur. Nobello had never seen this cat before, but he was intrigued by the beautiful green eyes that she had, so he picked her up and took it into his kitchen. There, he poured a small saucer of milk and put the cat down to eat. When the cat finished eating, he again picked her up and started stroking its fur. Absently, he said “Early to rise and early in the sack, thank God I’m a country boy” as he carried her into his bedroom. He opened the window that was over his bed and sat the cat down on the window ledge. Slowly, he changed into his night clothes and then got into bed. The cat, jumped down from the ledge and curled up next to Nobello and started purring. As Nobello petted the cat, he fell into a deep slumber and dreamed about Nigara. He dreamt that they were running around in the wildflowers and that Goldenstar and the gray cat were they. There were also two small children that looked just like Nigara running in the meadow. Suddenly, Nobello woke up and looked about, the gray cat was sitting next to him looking at him with her green eyes. He gently stroked her and sighed “It’s only a dream” and he could have sworn the cat smiled at him as he again laid his head on his pillow and went back to sleep. The end, or should I say, this is only the beginning!
Sally was using her trustworthy washboard, doing the laundry by the river, with her skirt hiked up to her knees, when she noticed jesse waddling towards her way.
“You’re up early, what are you doing on this side of the river so early in the morning?”, Sally asked. Jesse gave her his signature crooked smile and said,(2)
“Early to rise and early in the sack, thank God I’m a country boy.”
“Oh , sure” Sally smiled.”I heard about you playing the fiddle, your beloved(3)
fiddle-dee-dee under the stars by the old stable. I though getting too
little sleep would put a damper on your performance the next day. Jesse chuckled and said, “Baby, I ain’t never had no complaints on my performance to this day”.
Sally suppressed a smile and kept teasing him, although, she wouldn’t admit, she was enjoying their little game, so she said,
(1)When a man says “I ain’t never had no complaints”, it’s time to run in the opposite direction” and she swooped her laundry in her basket, laid the washboard on the top and got up to leave.
Jesse wasn’t sure if she was just being playful or walking away from him so he said,”Baby why ye doing this to this good old boy? I came here to see your pretty face and all I wish is to rescue you from this little town and take you all the way up north to the city on the back of my horse, Willy”.
Sally, gave him a rueful smile and said,”I think you misunderstood, although (4)
it’s really not that complicated. Do you really think that(5)
I need rescuing? I actually like this town, I like to go horseback riding in the mountain trails, I like to feel the sun and wind singing in my hair, I like to inhale all the scents of the fresh valleyflowers and I like to bathe in this crystal clear river, I li…, she stopped her passionate monologue when she noticed the glint in his eyes after her last comment,”Oh, no , Jesse you were the one peeking through the trees when I was bathing in the river, weren’t you? I kept telling myself it was a possum, but my initial instincts were right, shame on you, now if you don’t scram right away, you will be the one who will be needing rescuing!!!”
She watched Jesse hurry away, all flustered and couldn’t suppress her amusement any longer, and gave a long heartfelt laugh out loud. God, how she loved the country…
Dodge City, Kansas
Circa 1876
Doc and Matt were sitting out in front of the jailhouse. It was a hot June day, things were quiet in town.
Then along came Miss Pry…..The town know-it -all.
Miss Pry:”Marshal Dillon. You simply MUST do something about that Fender boy. He is a thief!! He stole money out of my purse! I really think you should lock him up. He is such a menace!!” Matt reminded her that he was just a child and ….well…..boys will be boys. He asked how much money was missing and then gave her said amount out of his own pocket. She grabbed the money and went off in a huff, angry as a hornet with the boy AND U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon!!
Not more than 5 minutes later……
Doc:”Uh,oh….Here comes that bratty kid,now.” Huckleberry Fender walked up to Matt and Doc.
Matt: “Hello, young man. Staying out of trouble, are you?”
Huckleberry:” Why, yes , Marshal Dillon. My daddy done taught me to stop causing mischief and to toe the line. Yep….My daddy done lay down the rules. (2) Early to rise and early in the sack. Thank God I’m a country boy, Marshal Dillon. No more funny stuff out of this here kid.” He waved his hat and went on his way.http://www.zingmagazine.com/zing7/reviews/images/twain.jpg
Doc:”Humph!! Sounds to me like he’s the same old liar that he’s always been!”
Matt:”Doc, you’re getting as bad as Festus!”
They sat there a few more minutes chewing the fat, when along came ….You guessed it….Festus.
Matt:”Well how are you today?”
Festus:” I ain’t got no complaints, Matthew. I ain’t never had no complaints. Truth is, I feel fit as a fiddle in a St. Louie orchestra!!”
Doc:” (1) Whan a man says ‘I aint never had no complaints ‘ it’s time to run in the opposite direction!”
Festus:”What’s ailing you, you old scutter?”
Doc:” Ooooooh, (3) Fiddle- dee -dee. I know perfectly well that by the end of this day, you will be coming to my office, taking up my valuable time…VALUABLE, mind you….And you’ll have more problems than you can shake a stick at!!”
Festus: “You are the oneriest old buzzard I have ever met!”
Matt had a belly laugh listening to his two old friends:
http://www.imdb.com/gallery/mptv/1407/Mptv/1407/3470_0048.jpg.html?path=pgallery&path_key=Arness,%20James
The three of them sat there for another hour. All at once, Miss Kitty came running over, out of breath!
Kitty:”Matt! Thank goodness I found you!!”
Matt:”Kitty! What’s wrong?!”
Kitty:” Down at the freight office. Someone’s been locked inside the safe. Burke has forgotten the combination. Hurry!”
By the time they reached the freight office, a small crowd had gathered.
Burke:”Marshal!! Sure glad you’re here! I can’t find the combination to this new safe. (4) It’s really not that complicated………It’s just that I’m so nervous. That bratty Huckleberry Fender was down here today….Got me all rattled.”
Matt:” Listen!!!”
There was a faint sound coming from within the safe……….
“Help me. (5) I need rescuing.”
At LAST Burke remember the correct sequence of numbers and the safe came open:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxlGwkM-P_s
I used to work in a factory that made playground equipment — you know, the heavy duty stuff you’d see in city parks and school playgrounds. It was hard, exhausting work. In an unairconditioned shop constructed of concrete blocks, we had a forge that would heat the ends of steel tubing so that it was red hot and could be spun into a bullet shape. We had wire-fed arc welders that contributed to the heat. The temperature in Kansas summers often exceeds a hundred degrees, and I was either inside that inferno of a building cutting tubing and pipe, or I was outside in the sun with metal frames grinding welds smooth before the frames were painted. Some of my co-workers did this for a living. I was doing it to make money to work my way through college.
The place was full of characters. Dennis would come in early every morning and punch all of us in on the time clock, whether we were present or not. In the winter, Bob the welder would come in smelling of deer scent. He’d spent the first three hours of his day up a tree in a deer blind with a bow trying to kill a deer. Mike was a boxer, even though he was barely five feet tall. He proved how spirit overcomes size when your desire is to beat your fellow man to a pulp. This was an environment from which I clearly needed rescuing.
By far, the most interesting character in the shop was Harold Schraeder. Harold owned a small farm on the outside of town that was so poor he couldn’t break even, and so in order to make ends meet, he made slides for the company. This was a much harder job than one could imagine.
Harold was in his seventies. Still very much interested in the opposite sex. He and his wife Opal had had a combative life for years, and so he wasn’t realizing much relief from home. These days, Harold’s main source of satisfaction came from magazines, which he would have to show to us younger workers so we could examine them in detail and listen to his explanations of how relations with the fairer sex worked. His explanations were always crude.
When a man says, “I ain’t never had no complaints,” it’s time to run in the opposite direction. Looking back on it, Harold’s advice was full of misconception and misinformation. “It’s really not that complicated,” old Harold would tell us, and then proceed to explain how easy it was to melt away a woman’s apprehensions. “Fiddle-dee-dee,” he would exclaim, “any boy with a visible pecker can have any woman he wants if he just makes his intentions known.”
Harold’s theories apparently weren’t working on Opal. They’d been sleeping in separate bedrooms for several years, and he’d been suffering from what is now referred to as erectile disfunction. One day, he came in to work all pissed off because he woke up with an erection. When he tried to stir old Opal, she snarled at him, “Oh, go back to sleep you old bird. That thing won’t do you any good anyway!” Harold was in a bad mood all day.
Old Harold would corner me on other occasions to try to convince me to throw hay bails for him. He’d try to extoll the virtues of country living as an inducement. “Early to bed and early in the sack, thank God I’m a country boy,” he exclaimed . I was smart enough to realize that wasn’t going to justify a day of hefting hundred pound bails in the hundred degree heat. I usually had something better to do.
Old Harold wasn’t exactly a clean living man. He had a habit of chewing tobacco, and he really believed that swallowing he juice had some sort of medicinal effect on his stomach. He needed a medicinal effect, because his stomach always hurt, and it was no wonder. He finally died of cancer of the esophagus and stomach.
Harold Schraeder really didn’t teach me much about women and the finer points of attracting them that I could put to practical use. What Harold taught me was that a man could work hard his entire life, enjoy himself, and derive some satisfaction from his work. He also taught me that he could relate to younger people on a more or less equal basis, and not talk down to them.
Oh. . . and one last thing. Harold taught me not to swallow my chewing tobacco, but to spit it out instead.
lol no but some of the other people answers are entertaining
18th June 2007
Dear Diary,
remember that girl i was talking about?
she said” i ain’t never had no complaints”
i mean fiddle – dee – dee, its really not that complicated because she ain’t never had no complaints cause she does all the complaining. Early to rise and early in the sack I’m glad I’m a country boy cause that city girl is so annoying. I think its time to run in the opposite direction, i need rescueing.
that’s all I’ve got time for folks…
Dodge City, Kansas
Circa 1876
Doc and Matt were sitting out in front of the jailhouse. It was a hot June day, things were quiet in town.
Then along came Miss Pry…..The town know-it -all.
Miss Pry:”Marshal Dillon. You simply MUST do something about that Fender boy. He is a thief!! He stole money out of my purse! I really think you should lock him up. He is such a menace!!” Matt reminded her that he was just a child and ….well…..boys will be boys. He asked how much money was missing and then gave her said amount out of his own pocket. She grabbed the money and went off in a huff, angry as a hornet with the boy AND U.S.Marshal Matt Dillon!!
Not more than 5 minutes later……
Doc:”Uh,oh….Here comes that bratty kid,now.” Huckleberry Fender walked up to Matt and Doc.
Matt: “Hello, young man. Staying out of trouble, are you?”
Huckleberry:” Why, yes , Marshal Dillon. My daddy done taught me to stop causing mischief and to toe the line. Yep….My daddy done lay down the rules. (2) Early to rise and early in the sack. Thank God I’m a country boy, Marshal Dillon. No more funny stuff out of this here kid.” He waved his hat and went on his way….
Doc:”Humph!! Sounds to me like he’s the same old liar that he’s always been!”
Matt:”Doc, you’re getting as bad as Festus!”
They sat there a few more minutes chewing the fat, when along came ….You guessed it….Festus.
Matt:”Well how are you today?”
Festus:” I ain’t got no complaints, Matthew. I ain’t never had no complaints. Truth is, I feel fit as a fiddle in a St. Louie orchestra!!”
Doc:” (1) Whan a man says ‘I aint never had no complaints ‘ it’s time to run in the opposite direction!”
Festus:”What’s ailing you, you old scutter?”
Doc:” Ooooooh, (3) Fiddle- dee -dee. I know perfectly well that by the end of this day, you will be coming to my office, taking up my valuable time…VALUABLE, mind you….And you’ll have more problems than you can shake a stick at!!”
Festus: “You are the oneriest old buzzard I have ever met!”
Matt had a belly laugh listening to his two old friends:
The three of them sat there for another hour. All at once, Miss Kitty came running over, all out of breath!
Kitty:”Matt! Thank goodness I found you!!”
Matt:”Kitty! What’s wrong?!”
Kitty:” Down at the freight office. Someone’s been locked inside the safe. Burke has forgotten the combination. Hurry!”
By the time they reached the freight office, a small crowd had gathered.
Burke:”Marshal!! Sure glad you’re here! I can’t find the combination to this new safe. (4) It’s really not that complicated………It’s just that I’m so nervous. That bratty Huckleberry Fender was down here today….Got me all rattled.”
Matt:” Listen!!!”
There was a faint sound coming from within the safe……….
“Help me. (5) I need rescuing.”
At LAST Burke remember the correct sequence of numbers and the safe came open.